We need to talk about what happens when living with a teenage daughter

I live with my 15-year-old daughter. It’s just the two of us, and there’s no denying the incredible bond and love between us. But it’s no easy ride.

So, when the Empress comes up for me in Tarot readings for myself, I tend to take it as a prompt to examine how I am showing up in my relationship with my daughter… as the “grownup” in our relationship. The sole provider, protector and carer.

On a good day, I can come up with quite a lot of lovely fluffy stuff about loving, nurturing, accepting, non-judgmental mothering with a healthy pinch of self-love and self-acceptance sprinkled on top for good measure.

Be kind to yourself, right?

But then we, my daughter and I, fall out over something stupid, and I know that I can never live up to this particular template of mothering: The Empress template.

Underappreciated, unseen, overworked… redundant

There are times when I feel underappreciated, unseen, overworked, yet at the same time slightly redundant, like I’m about to be discontinued in my current format. Operating System, no longer supported.

Sometimes I think, no, I know, she is actually pretending to live in the flat on her own. And it reminds me of when, as a little girl, she stopped wanting to hold my hand on the street and then graduated to walking ahead or behind me on the pavement – pretending to be out and about all on her own.

It’s OK. I’m OK. I know that it’s pretty bloody important that our kids grow up to be able to leave the house and cross the road on their own. And other such important stuff.

I also know that many daughters only truly see their mothers clearly when they themselves become mothers, or carers, or otherwise fully-fledged relational humans with lives and homes (and hormones) and responsibilities of their own.

I know, and I’m OK. Don’t send help.

The Empress ~ Towering feminine archetype or impossible, untouchable fantasy role model?

I am Libra Sun (with a tricky Capricorn Moon in my 1st house). As many will know, Libra is ruled by the planet Venus, which is represented in the Tarot Major Arcana by none other than The Empress. A literal powerhouse of authentic feminine creativity and strength.

So, it feels like there may be some weight of (self-imagined) expectation there for me to be a natural earth mother, fierce and strong.

I am not.

Well, not all the time anyway.

The Empress in her full power

The Empress is strong, creative, passionate, sensual, nurturing, caring and alive. She represents vitality, fecundity and fertility, nature’s cycles, feminine cycles and abundance.

She is your mother and Mother Earth. Sovereign over the female body, she rules over birth, childhood, hormones, menarche, sex, pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, menopause, and beyond. I believe she is there until the end.

She is the daughter caring for elderly parents and the grandmother holding the baby when her daughter or daughter ‘in-law’ needs a break to have a shower and something to eat.

She is also your sister and your best friend.

She is the feminine ideal in every stage of womanhood. Apparently.

An impossible full-fat fantasy

This full-fat version of The Empress is an almost impossible ideal, a fantasy.

She is hard to live up to, and she is also the most shaken when her daughter stops being her sweet, obedient child and starts growing into a woman, discovering her own power and pushing for sovereignty over her body and choices.

Her: “You can’t tell me what to do!”

Me: “I bloody well can. It’s my actual job, as your mother.
It’s in the job description.
Which is sitting on the printer if you’d care to read it.”
(It was not, obviously. That would’ve been funny.)

Sound familiar?

When you have a teenage daughter in the house pressing your buttons, rolling her eyes, and occasionally slamming doors, the mother that tends to emerge (in my house at least) is often a much more shadowy version of The Empress.

When The Empress shadow rises

In shadow, she is the over-functioning nurturer. She “helicopters” and gives and gives, and expects nothing in return.

Or does she? 

Yeah, don’t be fooled. This Empress is the master-martyr. Queen of passive aggression and certainly not above an eye-roll or a door slam herself. Controlling, manipulative and childish behaviour is not exclusive to the kids!

So much for showing up as the “grown-up”. Cue the inevitable shame spiral when real life looks messier, angrier, or less adorable.

It helps to remember: this fantasy didn’t come from nowhere. It’s the legacy of a thousand years of unpaid labour under a system and a culture that idealises the mother, then leaves her to do the washing up and wipe the kitchen surfaces on her own.

The Princess ~ Rebel Fool & People Pleaser

In the Tarot vernacular, my daughter tends to show up as the Page or Princess (as they are named in some decks) in these scenarios, in all her glorious light and shadow.

She is young and impressionable and chomping at the bit to access and experience more of life. Curious, open, fun-loving, and yes, innocent, romantic and perhaps a little naïve.

These are classic Page/Princess qualities to be honoured, bounded and fiercely protected for as long as we can. That’s the job, as a parent.

When the Princess shadow rises

The Page/Princess archetype also represents ‘The Rebel Fool’, risk-taking and pushing boundaries, and ‘The People Pleaser’, needing to build self-worth, and longing for acceptance and validation through the approbation or ‘gaze’ of others.

And we all know what kind of choices these two versions of the Page/Princess might make. And how a mother/martyr might judge them, while at the same time blame themselves.

Her: “Oh my God-errr. Are you shaming me?!”
(Extreme eye roll)
Me: “No, my darling. Of course not.
I think you look fantastic in those shorts*…
I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

*Think Daisy Dukes: ultra-short, bum-hugging festival shorts.

Their Deaths ~ Let’s talk about the Death Card

As with womanhood, Motherhood seems to be a series of ‘Death’ and ‘Tower’ moments. We’ll get to The Tower in a moment. First, let’s address the Death card and what it adds to the conversation about living with a teenage daughter.

Each life stage referred to above as the province of The Empress is also in the dominion of Death. Putting the two cards side-by-side reminds us of the inevitable circle of life and how that plays for a woman in particular.

We go through so many transformations throughout our lives and with each stage we experience a mini-death and a rebirth: from physical birth and babyhood, through childhood to the pre-teen and teenage years, menstruation and sexual maturity, sexual exploration and the ‘death of maidenhood’, ‘marriage’, motherhood, middle age and menopause, grand-motherhood and finally physical death.

My daughter and I are, in turns, pushing and pulling each other over the thresholds into new stages of womanhood and motherhood. Once we are transformed from one thing to the next, there is no turning back.

The shift into any new dynamics between mother and daughter isn’t easy. And sometimes, it feels like a death. Each time she sheds a skin, I do too. 

Where has my baby girl gone? Who is this beautiful, long-legged creature living in my house and slamming my doors?

And, for that matter, who is this woman I see in the mirror? One thing’s for sure, it isn’t the Fantasy Empress. 

The Tower ~ Blows the bloody doors off

If Death represents the inevitable cycles of transformation in our lives, The Tower shows up to “blow the bloody doors off!” and shatter the myth of the Perfect Mother once and for all.

It tears down the idea of the full-fat Fantasy Empress and the kind of mother you thought you were going to be: always adorable and adored. The shattering of this illusion of motherhood allows for the ‘real thing’ to grow. 

Death and The Tower, menstruation and menopause, hormonal mood swings, rites of passage. Clearly, my daughter is not the only one growing up, shape-shifting and transforming here. Motherhood isn’t just about shaping a child, but being reshaped by her. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

And maybe she doesn’t love me and need me in quite the same way as she used to. But that’s OK. The goal is not to be adored like an empress, but to model how to stay sovereign, strong and independent in this world with a rock-solid sense of self and worth.

Strength & the Holy Grail of mothering

I want to end this with another Tarot archetype associated with motherhood.

Strength, under the rulership of Leo, might represent the fiercest mother of them all. And perhaps one key to reclaiming the Empress from the unattainable realms of feminine perfection and fantasy.

This card speaks of subtle power, gentle strength, resilience, self-mastery and acceptance. Superpowers, basically. The holy grail of mothering.

I started this piece by saying we needed to talk about teenage daughters.

Turns out, what I really needed was to talk about mothering teenage daughters. Especially the kind of messy, unglamorous mothering we deliver when no one’s handing out prizes and the bounds of our love are tested to the limit.

Strength encourages us to stay open, not reactive. To give us the courage to hold the space for a child’s growth, without controlling it. To keep witnessing and loving them even when we feel their resistance and they are behaving like little shits!